Am i an angel or am i a devil..

i just did something even me myself finds it ridiculous.. i started to ask myself.. was it right or wrong..? am i an angel or a devil..? what if it doesn't have right or wrong..? if that's so.. why is it that some say right.. some say wrong..?

sometimes.. i just don't know myself.. or maybe i wasn't even dare enough to know myself.. but that isn't the way.. i need to know myself.. i have to know myself.. so after a long thought.. i finally know what's the answer..

i'm not gonna be misleading myself again.. i once thought that no one could have understand what i've gone through.. but.. aren't all those things that i've encountered makes me myself..? yes.. i've learnt very much from all of that.. i'm proud of my encounters and i'm happy that i encountered.. although no one could understand that.. but that doesn't matter anything to me..

i'm just someone whom no one knows and understand.. people may think some of my deeds are totally doings of a jerk.. well.. i don't care.. coz only the chosen ones know what's behind my mask.. and for all those who are not.. may you think whatever of me.. coz i control no one.. and no one can ever control me..

In the midst of my thought..

after a long two weeks.. i finally thought through.. all thanks by a book written by a taiwan professor.. there is one part of it writting about eagle and duck.. it says that duck lives in group.. it quacked noisily and can only fly low and below the sky.. whereas eagle.. it lives alone.. it howled proudly and fly high and above the sky..

indeed.. as a flying animal.. eagle is far more superior than a duck.. and it lives alone.. since an animal is like so.. i guess.. human is no different.. that's right.. why would i ever wanted to give up my childhood wish just coz of this small little thing.. don't i want to be an eagle soaring in the sky at the beginning..?

now i realise.. i'm so foolish.. yes.. i'm gonna be the eagle.. howling proudly and soar in the sky.. i'm gonna do something big and though i'm going to be alone.. i don't care.. freedom is all i want.. i wanna see the world with my very own eye.. hear the wind with my very own ear..

i'm the eagle, i'm the light..see the world with my very own sight..i'm the eagle, i'm the light.. live the way i want as my life..

Being superior..

many of my friends had came up to me and say "thank you".. coz my previous posts on love have enlighten them in some way.. well.. welcome all of ya.. glad that my words can guide you through.. =)

actually.. i'm happy that i can be of help.. but.. i feel lonely somehow.. i don't know why.. i should be happy that i can be the candle light that guides the others.. enlighten them when i tell them my perspectives of life and love.. but.. maybe is coz of this kinda superiority.. i lost the chance of being guided..

although i can be the candle light.. but deep inside me.. how i hoped.. that there's also a ray of light guiding me through my way.. when i was young.. i always hope i could have the superior ability to help others.. to help them solve their problem.. coz the feeling of achieving it is so great~.. but.. now i've learnt that being superior than the others.. means being lonely.. and you can only depend on yourself whenever there's a problem.. there's not even a shoulder for you to rely on.. let alone for the ray of lights..

and now.. how i wished.. i've never had that hope when i was young.. coz.. what has to be exchange for achieving it.. is too much for me.. and guess i gotta live with the wind forever.. coz.. i'm a fading silhouette.. no one can ever saw me.. nor can they spot me..

What is love..? (III)

well.. love seems to be the most favourite topic of everyone.. coz i got many responses from my friends.. so i think i could write something more about love..

there is one dear friend of mine.. whom i had partner with for like almost three years.. suddenly ask me "how many girlfriends do you have..?" i was like.. huh..? haha.. nevermind.. i've been waiting for him to tell me something about himself.. for i've always known him as a problematic person.. erm.. just joking..

we chatted for quite a long time.. and i realise that he is one of those.. placing career before love.. that kinda person.. ya.. he told me that he's crazy towards his future career and he thinks about it.. worry about it everyday.. it was like.. to him.. it is everything.. and for it is so.. he is afraid to think about love now.. coz he had actually like a girl for several times..

and after hearing what he had said to me.. i told him.. "career is not everything.. love is not everything.. but together.. they are everything.." isn't it true..? at least to me.. if i'm lacking one of any of these.. i'm not living the way i want it to be..

in love.. we are always facing the choice of wanting to wait for another or not.. of coz.. many would choose to wait.. but.. are you really waiting..? are you certain that he/she will come back to your side..?

we only wait for something that is sure to happen.. like waiting for your accompanies to go out and have fun.. we don't wait for something that is uncertain to happen.. coz that is not waiting.. that is expecting.. we only expect something that is uncertain to happen.. like maybe.. your prince charming or dream girl like to go to this whatever place.. so you go there.. and expect him or her to show up..

so now.. are you waiting for him/her to come back to your side..? or expecting him/her to come back to your side..? that is a real big question isn't it..

What is love..? (II)

so how do you feel.. after reading the previous post..? let's share about my views about love shall we..?

when i first started loving.. i always look at how beautiful the girl is.. well.. it is always good to have a beautiful girlfriend so that you could "show" it to your friend.. but i was wrong.. coz a girl with a good look doesn't mean she has a heart with a good look too..

so as time passes by.. i'm starting to look at the inner beauty of a girl.. it was going quite ok at the beginning somehow.. but.. i was wrong.. again.. coz a girl with a beautiful heart doesn't mean she will be understanding..

and up to now.. i've never succeeded in any of the relationship.. but i can't say that i failed.. coz at least i started a relation and though it ended.. both parties don't feel hurt that much.. there was one period when i felt really down.. coz the person i loved doesn't have any feeling for me.. i told what had happened to a quite a good friend of mine.. she doesn't know how to console me.. so she wished me best of luck.. but i replied.. "i don't need any luck.. i just need her heart.." well.. indeed.. having luck doesn't help if you don't have her heart.. coz love is a feeling.. you use your heart to feel a love.. and luck.. use it to strike a lottery maybe.. haha..

and here i wanted to thank that quite a good friend of mine for giving me support.. and if it's not her.. i might not live up till now.. hey.. if you are reading this.. you know what i mean right..? haha.. thanks for all the prayers to jesus christ.. or maybe more.. thank you..

ps. and do you know..? the posts this few days are actually for you.. and i hoped that i did something for you to get through your sweetest catastrophe.. all the best for ya..

What is love..?

i was browsing friendster and open up this notice from the bulletin board.. its title is "what is love.." i've read through it.. and thought it is quite interesting.. and i wanted to share with all of you.. here it goes..

It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds... but when these two world collide and become one. That's what u call...MAGIC! If you're AFRAID to love a person because of friendship, you have 2 choices, either tells what you feel and let the love take place of forever or hide the feeling under a friendship full of PRETENSIONS.
Sometimes I've asked myself, what would make me HAPPY? To think that I have everything else, I get what I want.... Then I REALIZED IT WAS YOU, too bad coz' it's YOU I can't have....... Love can never be so beautiful without FRIENDSHIP?...one leads to another and the process is IRREVERSIBLE...... the BEST of lovers is the GREATEST of friends!!! Love DOESN'T have to have a HAPPY ending, 'Coz love doesn't have to end at all.
When you love someone, DON'T expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits. Never be AFRAID to fall in love. It may HURT a lot, it may give you aches and pains, but if you DON'T follow your heart, in end you will cry even more for not giving love a chance.
I'm sorry if you can't love me the way you loved the one before me, so I'll let you go to find him/her and hope someday you'll see that the TRUE LOVE you're looking for was the one who set you FREE. Isn't it funny?? We're trying to catch the attention of the one we think we love. We hardly NOTICE them till they are in the arms of someone else....
Love is like standing on wet cement, the LONGER you stay, the HARDER it is to leave and you can never go without leaving your prints behind....
THINK OF THIS: have you really cared for someone more than you expected? Have you ever tried to love him/her despite of all the pain? Will you keep on loving he/she whispers someone else's name? Will you???
True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart......When you love, you must NOT accept anything in return, for if you do, you're not loving but INVESTING. If you love, you must PREPARE to accept pain. For if you expect HAPPINESS, you are not loving but USING..... I like you because you're my friend and because you are my friend and I care, and because I CARE, I LOVE you, I don't love you because you are my FRIEND.... I Love you because I do!!!!
FOOD FOR THE THOUGHT: it's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose someone you love with your useless pride. I can't choose who I'm gonna love, but I also can't just love who chooses to love me.... and you can't blame me in choosing to love you as much as I can't BLAME you for not learning to love me.
"How can I say GOODBYE to someone I never had??? Why do TEARS fall for someone who was never mine? Why is that I MISS someone i was never with and I ask why I love someone who's LOVE was never MINE? "Don't love a person like FLOWER, cause a flower dies in SEASON. Love them like a RIVER cause river flows FOREVER......
Love may leave your heart like SHATTERED GLASS, but keep in mind that there's someone who'll be WILLING to endure the pain of picking up pieces so you could be WHOLE again....somehow, it reminds mi of jigsaw puzzles :).... it requires time, endurance n patient to fixed a whole picture...
The MoSt CrUeL ThInG a GUY could do to a GIRL is to let her FALL in LOVE when he DOESN'T InTeNd to catch her FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ThE BeSt & MoSt BeAuTiFul ThInGsIn ThE WoRlD CaNnOt Be SeEn Or ToUcHeD. ThEy MuSt Be FeLt WiTh ThE HeArT
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**posted with janice's consent*

Lies and deceiving..

not long ago.. i'm starting to realise that there are many lies around me.. almost everywhere.. no matter is it the people around me or myself.. i found lies all along.. what is lie..? i started asking myself..

for me.. lies are just sentences describing a situation which a person wished that he or she will be doing.. but he or she is not.. many people may think that lying and deceiving are actually the same.. but the ironic thing is this.. when you are lying to someone.. you are deceiving yourself.. but when you are deceiving others.. you are not lying to yourself.. haha.. what ya think about it..?

people may lie.. but not everyone lie for the sake of lying.. it may also consist of other reasons.. for example.. lying coz of loving someone.. or just for the sake of protecting oneself.. sometimes not all lies are bad.. coz a lie.. could actually help us to live on.. but yes.. it only applies to certain exception..

many people may not know why there is lie and hate other people for lying.. but i have to ask you.. have you ever lied..? i don't believe anyone hasn't lie before.. unless that person is lying.. so if you lied.. why did you lied..? think from this way.. and hopefully all of you.. whom is reading this post will get the answer.. words to give away.. " if there's anything you really can't understand why.. try applying it to yourself.. coz it's easier to understand through youself.. "

In the middle of the night..

had a stroll just now.. feel so great.. it's been a long time since i did this.. feeling so refreshed.. strolling at night has always been my favourite.. coz that is the only time i feel the nature of our mother earth.. at least i won't get to hear the noise caused by those cars and motor cycle..

night.. has always been a wonderful and mysterious moment to me.. especially those accompanied by stars.. even greater.. the scene mesmerised me everytime i gazed at it.. forgot all my troubles and worries.. and the way night breezes brushed at my face.. it somehow makes me think that.. what had happened in the day is all dreams.. dreaded dreams that i should just let it fade off from my memories..

i dislike noisy places.. it's just so annoying.. that's why i love the quiet night.. when all noise came to rest and the time for me to feel the nature of our amazing galaxy.. and it is the only moment where i can avoid reality for a short while and dwell in my world of fantasy..

oh well.. enough of all this.. gotta rest for the continuing of walking through my roads of life tomorrow..