Sunset in east..

i don't know what to write actually.. but since i have nothing to do anyway.. or maybe i should say i'm too lazy to do anything.. been thinking about the past.. along with listening to the music i'm playing currently.. that does bring back lotsa memories.. dreaded memories that i called them in the past.. but now.. it seems like they are just part of me.. i guess that's what the adults called "love your experiences" when i heard it in the past..

my life seems to be boring.. it's about the same thing everyday.. but it's weird that i do not feel so.. oh well.. i guess it really makes a difference as long as you put the heart in it.. and i feel so indecisive towards certain thing.. or perhaps i'm just scared.. scared of repeating histories.. it's no wonder why people can never understand me.. coz i don't understand myself at times..

sometimes.. i do ask the heaven what wrong have i done to be tortured like this.. but i guess i'm just trying to convince myself that i'm not in the wrong.. which in fact it is.. how am i gonna protect the others when i can't even take care of myself.. oh i need a break.. perhaps going to china with godma in june will be a good idea..

hmm.. so even the hardest surface has a soft core.. haha.. oh well.. ironic things do happen very often.. things do not always go your way.. i should stop imagining things.. but hell.. as if i could help it at all.. it's just like a thread.. going on and on.. and when i finally realise that i'm thinking too much.. it's over.. just one step too late..

alright.. enough of dwelling in the past.. i should be deal with something complicated now.. or maybe it was just me who makes it so complicated.. nah.. it's hard to deal with humans.. whatever..

through imaginations and indecisiveness.. simple things turns to be complicated..

Ticking clock..

i pon my lesson today once again.. oh my.. i really should stop doing that so often.. if not my lecturer is gonna kill me.. went to watch the moden dance syf this morning.. i feel so damn FUBAR.. meaning Fucked Up Beyond All Recognision.. coz the dances are so sucky.. but there's some nice one though.. or maybe modern dance is just not to my taste?

and so anyway.. our modern dancers did relatively well.. except for some messy parts and the groove that they are lacking.. oh well.. it's not entirely their fault anyway.. as i said to many of my friends.. teacher in-charge plays a part too.. how can they achieve good results if the teacher in-charge is not supportive?

so that's how i passed my morning.. was rushing for WDA website in the afternoon for the meeting later at night.. and it turns out quite nice even though it's just a dummy.. and Ms Pee.. the one who wanted to meet up with me brought her god daughter along to write minutes for the meeting.. and oh my god.. her voice is so sexy.. totally doesn't match how she looked.. the innocent and cute kinda girl.. but i think she's bigger than me anyway.. oh well.. see it once.. enjoy and forget.. that's how a freelance should do..

when two unparallel thoughts meet.. there comes the true frienship..

The emission of aura..

today went to hear the result for syf.. haha.. it's kinda fun actually.. and i learnt a lot too.. about how human thirst for a recognision.. and when that thirst becomes overly excessive.. it becomes lust.. but well.. i think those adults should learn to know their abilities as in their dance items before complaining about the results.. i supposed what one of the judges said was right.. we have to be mentally prepared for all the outcomes.. for everything in the world is uncertain and indefinite.. if you can never get this into your head.. man.. your life is gonna be so damn depressing..

oh ya.. edmund gave me this paper writing a speech for all our dancers.. and asked me to post it.. here it goes..

Do not thank us. instead, we have to thank you all... for as much as it is your dream to do well, it is ours as well.
What we have done for you is not noble, nor is it exceptional.
You might not see it but you mae it on your own

Your tears, your sweat, your hard work.
That's what has paid off...

therefore, what we have done for you is insignificant compared to what you have done for yourselves.
Yesterday, on that stage, we knew and we saw that you truly believed in what you were doing, that you truly believed in yourselves.

That's something no one could have ever taught you.
You learnt it yourselves...

So from here on, remember that everytime you take to the stage. you are more beautiful and more powerful,
larger than anything you ever thought you could be.
that feeling is the ultimate pride, joy, and glory, and it is yours for the taking.

Shine for the world to see...

Even though there might be fear in you, do not back down... cos only through fear, can there be courage.
So shine because you want to, shine like you can't help it at all, shine because this is what passion means.

Shine because you can...

Let this then be inspiration, in no matter what you do, for times when you feel you can no longer hold on, for when your darkest hours strike... Remember how it feels to be a dancer, what it means to be a dancer, and let that shed you light.

After all, life is a dance: from one stage to the next...

" We dance for laughter,
we dance for tears.
We dance for madness,
we dance for fears.
We dance for hopes,
we dance for screams.
We are the dancers,
we create dreams..."

well.. he's right.. and he really voice out my heart.. but remember.. some of our juniors are english idiots.. so next time you may wanna use some simple english structure to express yourself.. nevertheless.. we do love you guys and girls.. we love our instructor: Mdm Lim Moi Kim.. we love our teacher in-charge: Mdm Leow and Miss Christine.. and most of all.. we love RSS Chinese Dance Troupe.. right bud? oh well.. that's about it for the touching part.. it's so not like me at all.. zZz..

dancers don't live for fames.. they live to perform.. they live to leave impression..

Fallen leaf on a flowing river..

been talking about dance lately.. let's talk something about me shall we? oh well.. yesterday morning had headache when i'm getting up from bed.. guess i'm too tired.. mentally.. and i wouldn't need to say why coz it's about dance again.. so i'll skip that part..

on friday i really felt worthless.. oh well.. not gonna state why here in case i got sued or something.. in case i irritated someone.. forbidding myself from getting into troubles.. and to prevent our relationship to vanish coz of my harsh act.. oh well.. heard something from a person.. i guess i'll treat that as junk news.. but if he ever step onto my tail with his attitude problems.. i'm not gonna hold back.. even though that person is behind his back.. he is gonna be sorry for getting on my head..

i guess for now.. i just have to keep reminding myself of what my role is.. if not i'll be doing that kinda thing again.. which is kinda hard ey.. oh well.. who is in the right mind when it comes to relationship? i guess i just have to try my best..

once a chance is gone.. it's gone.. pray for the next one or give up..

A cappella relation..

it's the last week before they had their grand finals.. i've done all i can.. now it's up to them.. and tomorrow i will be going over to modern dance and give them lectures.. if not that ruiling's gonna cry to me again that she don't know what to do anymore.. and sorry if the sentence hurts your pride..

after this i'm done with riverside and other schools.. or should i say i'm done with handling syf.. it's time to get my focus back on schooling.. and wow.. that totally doesn't sound like me.. oh well.. it doesn't hurt to go back and see them once in a while right? like what my mate said.. they gives us motivation and washes off our troubles.. although most of my troubles lies on them during this period.. haha.. but that's not the main point..

i think i need to package myself once more.. and that would mean spending money.. zzz.. i'm kinda broke now.. oh well.. maybe go teach dance in riverside on tuesday and wednesday morning would be a good choice.. since i'm like "wtf.. there's no lesson until afternoon?".. and damn.. that defeats the purpose of going back to see them once in a while.. but well.. this is my fate i guess.. so hard to get rid of those kidos..

some people do not belong to anyone.. they are what we called the sacrificer..

Undying flames..

we all will go through the same thing.. we all will have the same experience.. we all will face the same obstacles.. and we all will overcome the same problems.. for my fellow juniors.. and my dance mates..

we all dedicated ourselves to dance.. it's the most time consuming kind of art.. most of all.. it's not free-lance where you can just paint a painting whenever you like.. for it is time consuming.. we lost our life.. how we lead it in the past.. the time when we spent on our friends.. the time when we spent on day dreaming.. the time when we spent on playing games.. and the time when we wasted our life away..

we lost our friends.. our relatives.. our love.. even our families.. coz we simply have no time for them.. however.. it is all worth while.. coz we sacrificed them for the sake of dance.. for the sake of our passion.. for the sake of our short moment of being a bright star on the stage.. and when they see a star with a familiar face.. they'll be happy for us.. they'll feel the joy with us.. and they'll understand more about us.. about how much we wanted to be dedicated in dance..

we being a passionate dancer.. will not give up on dance no matter how hard it is.. even though we have to juggle dance between any other things.. that's how hard.. and how great to be a dedicated dancer.. dance is cruel.. however.. it's kind too.. for bringing you all the glory you can have in the world as you've shown that you have the artistic elements in you.. not in your hands.. not in your brain.. but in you.. the whole of you.. and everything of you..

for my juniors who are having their Syf a week later.. do not be afraid of losing.. in fact.. be afraid of gaining.. coz you'll show everyone you're so great that they are unreachable for you.. i have faith in all of you and of coz.. i'll be there to guide whenever i'm needed..

for my dance mates who are having shit with their school works and stuff.. i'm having shit too.. in fact i gotta repeat four modules and three of them are year-long.. but hell.. who's gonna care? i don't care.. i'm still into dance even though my parents objected to it.. and i'm gonna prove them wrong by saying study hard now is my everything.. oh well.. let's just live with it.. and stay by dance always..

true beauty of art is about holding on to it even though you can't..

Star lines..

i finally can get on time for dance today.. busied with school stuff.. suffocating already.. and there i was thinking that it won't be very enjoyable since i missed alot of lessons.. so i'll have lots to catch up.. but well.. it turns out not that bad.. probably is coz i'm excused so they didn't go strict on me..

i'm seriously thought of going to be lame tomorrow.. literally.. to break free from all that is around me.. but i guess i have more important stuff to do ey? something like guiding them through their SYF.. repaying my debts to godmother.. and to really take care of those little girls especially my dear baby szeling from getting hurt.. i'm big enough to not be selfish anymore.. and i'll uphold that until the time comes..

oh well.. seems like i found my goals to work on..

learn with what you have.. learn with what you are..

想..

我好想你
一直在想着你
睡觉想你
走路想你
连看着你也在想你
我想来想去始终想不通
为什么一直想着你
我想 可能是太想你了吧
想你想到不自觉地就想起了你
每次在想其他事的时候
我的脑就不经意的想起你来
我也不知道你有什么好想的
但想你似乎变成了生活习惯
不想你就会想死你
我想来想去
终于想到了一个解决方法
就是任我想
一旦想累了
就会想睡觉
然后在梦中再想
一直想 一直想
当有一天我不再想你时
真希望能换成你一直在想我
想我对你的好
想我对你的牺牲
想我对你的付出
因为到那时 我已经不能再想你了
一个死人怎么会想人呢？

the only thing that the dead passes down is their will..