The change of unchange..

ok today something funny happened.. coz godma and i was walking down to toa payoh central after teaching me something.. and that's when we saw someone we don't really wanna see.. not that this particular person is irritating or some kind.. but it's hard to entertain someone you don't wanna entertain.. ah.. adult world.. lol.. and this reminds me of something that you can only say "haiz" when it happens..

ok i'm gonna be critical coz i don't really care.. so here's the story.. concerning two parties.. party 1 and party 2.. 1 and 2 used to be in good term.. or so i think.. and 1 happens to have this problem which i just written above.. and then for some reason 2 left 1 coz they think 1 is very fake.. coz 1 speaks ill of someone that 1 seems to be friendly with but actually.. you know..

but then.. 2 still has some kinda connection with 1.. a work relationship i guess.. so this 2 also pretends to be very friendly with 1 when they are speaking ill of 1..

you get what i mean? why the hell do you wanna not be yourself when you had so much grudge against someone or something? it's coz we are being forced to.. and what happens to that useless blabbering of "oh that person is so fake coz he *and it continues on* "..? it eventually turns out to prove that you are also the same type of person when the time comes..

so again.. haiz.. =X

what is of low value can become high value when it's at another place..

Dashing wind..

alright it's time to buck up if not i won't be able to take the series of ordeals next week.. which means start of second term.. haha.. oh well..

i felt immensely great today and i have this sense of feeling happy coz of something good happened but i totally don't remember any.. so i kinda felt immensely strange too.. hmm.. probably coz i'm finally doing something today instead of rotting at home..

"i'm no where near arrogant.. other than having a big ambition which no ordinary people have.."

here i am working towards "fine art + fine organisation".. i'm not fully prepare but ready to take up the challenge.. so come on you scums.. be lost i may.. but i'll never be lost to you..

ok.. here ends my er.. totally-not-myself self-encouragement..

two hints to enjoy life.. to love and to hate..

Silent storm..

i wanted to write about something but i think that's some kinda personal problems.. and i can predict it will stir up some kinda trouble so i think i better not.. oh well..

i stayed at home the whole day.. part of it is coz i'm on tutorial week.. and another is coz i didn't wanna do anything although i'm suppose to go to school and have my replacement classes.. watching tv.. sleeping.. playing games.. somehow all that doesn't help to get me back into shape.. probably coz of that thing which i wanted to write it down but didn't..

nothing is being changed.. or maybe i was the only who couldn't get over it..

ok i was so moodless today.. i should have gotten rid of that kinda humanity.. if so what is it that's bugging me so intensely..?

困中有难重重难
恼中有烦重重烦
思中有念重重念
哀中有叹重重叹

take a step back.. you'll find something so unusually usual yet usually unusual..

Purpose creates fate..

have you ever questioned yourself "why can i see things?".. "why am i a human?".. "if there's such thing called soul in this world.. why am i in this body?".. "why do i have to look into the mirror to look at myself?".. "if everyone is different.. why are we the same?"..

sometimes these questions really struck me when i'm alone.. thinking too much you may say.. ya ok i admit i'm thinking too much.. thinking too much about this "nature".. "predestine" thing.. but i notice one thing.. which is that those who claim they know themselves wouldn't be strucked by these questions.. whereas those who don't.. they do..

so yea.. i really don't understand myself.. what am i? what's the purpose of me being here? to live? but i wouldn't want to live for the sake of living.. is there any meaning for me to be here? or i'm just here coz everyone is here?

so bud.. i understand it's a must since i'm who i am now.. but how am i suppose to make them understand when i don't even understand myself? and just now i actually wanted to tell you to ask them to read my blog.. but i guess it will just confuse them further.. haha.. so.. yea..

and for most cases.. understanding of each other is just like opening a door.. i wanted to go in.. but they wouldn't open.. i want to let them in.. but i couldn't open.. just like i said before.. if no one is telling the truth.. what more can i do? and if no one is telling the truth to even their best among friends there.. what the hell can i do?

nonetheless.. i'm quite aware of what you are concerned about.. time is the best rope to tie us together.. but whether they escaped from it before the knot is dead is another thing.. coz from what i understand and what i believe.. both of us will always stay inside the loop..

to be able to see what's unseen by most people.. is really terrifying..

Value.. An illusion..

ok my laptop was being destroyed by me coz for some reason there was smoke coming out from the RAM chips.. so now i bought a new laptop and it's simply GORGEOUS.. i seldom use capital letters so you know how gorgeous it is.. lol..

anyway the book that i mentioned previously has three volumes in a set.. and i finished them in like a week? oh by the way i read them for free coz it's on display in popular.. and that's not called being cheapskate ok.. it's making use of the advantage.. as what i've learnt in those books..
haha..

those books kinda brought new insights to me.. it talks a lot on natural brain reflecting action and human behaviours through this NLP method which stands for Nuero Logical.. ok i forgot the last word.. a very good guide for people who do business or marketing.. anything that has to do with dealing with people.. although i don't really agree with some parts of what they say.. coz it's too much into reality.. as i said before fantasy and reality goes hand in hand.. the so called "balance"..

well.. what they said mostly are still very true.. and very new to me.. kinda hard to explain here.. ask me if you are interested to read them.. i wouldn't recommend things that are boring.. of coz.. you have to understand chinese after i've said so much about it.. not that i'm humiliating you but the words that they use is very precise.. unless you are very good at chinese if not you will not be able to differentiate words like 'same' and 'similar'.. just an example..

success is not about trying hard.. but to use the right method..

Tough Husk..

Parent: My child is so disobedient, he will *blah blah blah* and then *blah blah blah*
Author: So what do you want?
Parent: *Stun for a while* You don't understand, he is really rebellious *and it goes on and on*
Author: I ask you again, so what do you want?

i read this book.. happens that the author was a counselor or something.. and he was talking about how often humans complain about things around them.. and when he ask that "so what you do want" question.. they couldn't answer a thing.. coz all they want is just someone to agree that they are in the right and others are wrong.. but the fact is they just couldn't accept the fact that they were the one in the wrong.. and for the above case.. the parents just wouldn't admit that they couldn't discipline their child.. and put the blame on their child.. reason being rebellious and wouldn't listen to them..

fact.. reality.. truth.. it's all hurting when it comes or happens to yourself.. and we the fragile humans often just turn our backs and blame it on some other things or someone else.. somtimes we have to know that the choice is our hands.. realities.. truths .. they just happen.. we are the one who have a choice to fight with it or just run away..

i don't know what to say.. it seems like many things are happening now.. but i guess i should change myself first before i can change others.. and again it really proved what i've said in the past is right.. start everything from yourself..

even if there're no roads for you to choose.. you can cut your way through..

Self-reflections..

total sadness.. though i feel quite angry.. but more heartaches.. saddens me that they have to go through the process of knowing to make your interest your profession.. a mere passion is not enough.. which is tough.. very tough.. especially her.. argh.. i understand that personal feelings shouldn't get in the way of work.. but still..

being able to sacrifice for dance should be somewhat a happy thing for dancers.. but seeing them being so unhappy about it.. it saddens.. not that they are not able to understand.. but they have to go through the process of understanding it.. it's hard.. really hard.. even for me who already accept that fact.. reminds me of a story which a mother eagle teaches her baby how to fly by pushing him down the cliff..

i wouldn't boast.. but there're many good points that our troupe has.. and one of them is innocence.. i want to protect that.. but i guess it doesn't do them any good.. i should let them learn themselves.. but i couldn't bear.. contradiction.. it's coming again..

i wouldn't blame them.. i only have myself to blame coz i'm too eager to have everything done nicely so i wouldn't fail godma.. i'm sorry.. i'll do better.. for both the innocence i wanna protect and the accomplishment of everything entrusted to me..

a stupid thing a day keeps you happy all the way..