Wind can't stop..

my life was filled with angers.. frustrations.. sadness.. heartaches.. vexes.. helplessness.. emptiness.. hates.. loneliness.. sulks.. and.. you know.. all the negative things you can think of.. i recently made a formspring account and then there's this option where you can generate a question to answer by yourself.. and so i tried it and the very first question i was asked is "What was the happiest moment in your life?".. to be honest.. i really can't think of anything to be happy about..

i've knew it all along and therefore i tried to change.. and during the process i still encounter the same thing.. anger.. frustration.. and blah blah blacksheeps.. it's only until recently.. that i think i finally get to know how to be a bit more happy.. and that is to believe.. and i was talking to one of my juniors on the net the other day and she said that was the first time i'm not being cold to her..

i kept on changing for the better.. i was so unapproachable.. it got a bit better.. it was damn hard to open my mouth to talk to others.. it's definitely improving coz all my troupe mates are more willing to talk to me after i came back.. maybe the only thing that i can't do now.. is to open up to others..

i totally don't get how other people can just share their problems like there's no tomorrow.. i wanted to stay strong.. i wanted to let other people know that i'm reliable when they are in need to me.. but as the process of doing so includes bottling up your own feelings.. everything just shows how weak i am.. how i wish to be the youngest in the group again to be pampered.. to be dote on and all..

i hardly dream.. but just a few days ago i had this dream.. and in the dream i felt so lonely.. that i cried.. and i woke up in tears.. and i think that's the only dream that i'll ever remember because it strucks me so hard.. coz i thought i could be strong enough to carry my own burdens.. but apparently it's not.. there are just some things in a person that others won't be able to understand.. no matter they are your friends.. your companion.. your parents.. whoever it is..

you know.. having reach this stage of life and achievements.. i shouldn't be complaining about all these anymore.. like what my father says.. i'm a person with big dreams and visions.. i have to be able to carry my own burdens and sometimes even other people's as well.. but.. i think i still have a long way to go..

all i can say is.. because you don't know what it means to me.. it's just so true that this sentence will forever stay in my mind and reminds me to learn.. to be able to understand what this particular thing means for others.. i.. will start to change everything by first changing myself.. i really need to improve myself to be much better in three years.. three years..

ok i just realise that self encouraging and self bashing doesn't at all helps with me being sad.. blogging is the way to go.. and i hope the effect stays longer..

sure i'm crazy.. but that doesn't mean i'm wrong..