The shattered glass..

have you ever wonder what would happen if you ever lost your memories? i did.. and it all begins when i was sitting by the side watching my friends playing games.. and i start to question myself.. what if the ball hit something above me and it hit my head? and thus a series of unfortunate events happened..

it's scary.. and stressful.. scary in the sense that i'm suddenly thrown into a world of strangers.. a world i know nothing about.. i forgot my love ones.. my ambitions.. my goals.. my everything.. and that.. is a real loneliness.. a total solitude..

although those who cared for you will still help you to try to remember everything.. that's where the stress comes in.. what if i can't remember anything? even if i've seen everything that i "left behind".. my letters.. my gifts.. my belonging.. what if they've done their best but to no avail? they'll start to break down.. and the only thing i can do.. is to apologise for something i have no control with..

suddenly.. i feel all so lucky that i kept a blog alive.. even though there are times when i don't update at all.. but there are still something that i can keep track of.. i don't ever wanna be alone again.. i don't ever wanna feel sorry to those i've let down.. and i don't ever wanna lose my memories..

chaos always happen at where appears to be the most peaceful..

Raining as I'm breaking..

yesterday night just after i had a workout.. i received a really bad news.. although i kinda got prepared for it.. i don't know whether i should be happy about it.. coz everything negative just seems to happen one by one as i predicted.. but whatever is the case.. i got it prepared and i got myself a solution.. so let's hope everything will work out..

thinking deeper.. i start to question myself.. am i ready? do i really understand everything? can my insufficient knowledge be convincing? it's the world i'm dealing with and i can't afford a mistake.. coz it will make me lose something that i've been finding for the past few years: a suitable candidate for a greater purpose i've been planning for three years..

am i doubting myself? no.. i can't doubt myself.. it makes me lose my cool.. i guess i just have to give it a try.. no.. not a try.. i must give it my all to make sure it works.. no mistake.. no uncertainties.. no left over problems..

i'm still not happy how all the negative things all happens like what i predicted.. has the world fallen so low? so much that a mere 23 year old young adult can know what happens next.. there's gotta be a way to change this around.. and i shall find it..

in the end.. we are all the same.. it's just the ideal that make us different

Gone were the days..

my bmt life is coming to an end.. i would probably miss that place.. but i wouldn't ever wanna go back again.. i seriously don't like how the people in there treats us as a kind.. although i wouldn't say NS is a waste of time.. it certainly doesn't make full use of the time either..

i recently felt that i've reached a whole new level.. it's strange.. it's so unfamiliar.. but it's so powerful.. something that is so within that i can't explain.. things that used to bug me for a very long time just.. i don't know.. disintegrate? it's like a protection layer around me.. i haven't figure out how much i've grown.. but i'll certainly make full use of the things i gained..

you know.. having defeated for don't-know-how-many-times in the past.. i'm getting really tired.. especially the year before last year and the first half of last year.. which is a goddamn disaster.. nothing goes my way.. everything just rejects me.. i can only hide somewhere to try to avoid.. but i soon learnt that it's not gonna change anything.. probably i have to make the first step.. a very big step.. like over-the-drain that kind.. to make a 180 degrees change.. and i kinda glad i did..

i always believe that if you wanna change something.. you have to change yourself first.. and this change that i've made.. really changed me.. on how i see things.. on how i see myself.. on how i behave.. my whole being.. literally..

this protection layer around me.. i hope i can have the ability to pass it to everyone i wanna protect.. afterall.. they are probably the only reason how i obtained it..

heaven cries.. but do you know he cries for utter happiness too?