The lost of my beloved pendant..

i've been expecting this day.. although i've been preparing for this day.. i'm still sad.. damn sad.. so sad that my tears ran out.. i understand what's she's going through.. or maybe i don't coz she has said nothing to me.. but i'm more than willing to listen.. why has it come to a point where there's not even an explanation from her.. and we go from facing each other.. giving each other fist bumps to me looking at her leaving me..

she gave me so much fond memories.. the only one after so long that i feel i've nothing to be scared of when i'm being myself.. complaining about things.. doing all those childish stuffs.. but i guess it has all come to an end.. i know this day will come.. i know.. but.. why the hell is that i still cannot accept it..?

i know what i did was wrong.. i'll mend them.. but why..? at least talk to me.. let me know what are you thinking.. dun just throw me aside like this.. do you know how sad i am..? i just feel like running to the middle of the road and let a few cars bang me to death.. but i'm not gonna do that.. coz i know except your parents.. no one cares about you more than i do.. absolutely no one.. so i'll keep myself alive.. at least i can still care for you secretly..

i'm not sure whether it's self consoling.. but all i can make myself think now.. is that you are too troubled recently.. or you are too busy with school work.. it's ok.. i can live with it.. afterall i believe you.. therefore i'll not question you.. while i'm still waiting for you to come back as my dearest little sis.. i'll pay my debt of doing so many wrong things..

and i wonder.. is it possible for a person to cry to his own death..? if yes.. then i probably died a few times..

i took a stroll in the past.. and ask myself how did it end up like this..

The deep exhales..

2012 for me.. ended with a high note.. and i'm glad i spent the last day with all of my hopes for the future i'm designing.. throughout the day.. i've been seeing things i wanted to see.. taking care of each other.. looking out for each other.. crack mild jokes and having fun.. and we shared our darkest secrets.. to be honest.. it's like a dream come true.. they are the group.. the community.. and the people i hope to have with me..

but at the same time i'm wondering.. how long can this last..? eventually we are going to have different goals in our life.. eventually we are going to have our own family.. and eventually we'll go seperate ways.. i'm not trying to tie anyone down.. coz i know only by letting go.. can they fly higher and further.. there's no gathering without people leaving huh..?

i wonder if everything were to start all over again.. can i handle them with better ways and solutions.. they might not have performed to the standard i want.. they might have disappointed me greatly.. and they might have made me lose my hopes on them.. but they are just kids.. just coz they've hurt me doesn't give me the right to hurt them.. after long thoughts.. maybe what i've done to them is a big mistake.. maybe i should stop using brute forces.. and stop having the easy way out..

i might have survived through the rumoured apocalypse.. but with each year gone and pass by.. the more i realize how incompetant i really am.. i still have so much to learn.. so much to do.. so much things to make it right.. i got a long way ahead of me..

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